Mommie Dearest: What's Mother's DAy like for those that were Maltreated?

Mother's Day is dedicated to honoring women and their maternal bonds and influence on society. It is a popular holiday because it provides a dedicated time for expressing gratitude for the sacrifices and unconditional love of mothers. It can also be a bittersweet day for many. Those who have lost their mothers or have strained relationships with their birther, can often have a sense of profound absence, nostalgia, and quiet grief.

Many people dread Mother’s day because while the world celebrates the matriarch in their life others have no matriarch to celebrate. I am sure a mixture of painful memories, jealousy, and sometimes the need to withdraw has to be dealt with, especially for those who had abusive and neglectful mothers.

When I was younger it was impossible for me to think that mothers were anything but Goddess’s on earth. Dads were needed for sure; someone had to pay the bills and discipline the children. But mothers were beyond reproach. No matter how demeaning, hurtful, or manipulative a woman parented she was never to questioned. After all, she went through greats pains and inconveniences to bring a child into this world. No matter how horrible the world winds up being for that child.

Did you know that for many being emotionally abused last longer than being physically abused (unless that physical abuse leads to permanent damage, then it becomes a combination of both.) A mother’s lifestyle choices are now being put on trial.  I recently read a court case where a dad got full custody of his child because the court decided that the mother’s dating life and procreation habits constituted abuse. I found the ruling extreme, but it also made me examine how others can view things.

Things that are not readily talked about in general society often show up in family court. Topics like emotional and psychological challenges of abused, neglected or poorly raise children particularly through their mother’s choices are now being examined. The courts are deciding that the impact of maternal environmental exposure can have a negative effect on the child leading to a negative effect on society. The cultural expectation to honor one’s mother no matter what can often leave individuals feeling isolated or misunderstood.

I recently learned that a negative maternal experience can have different effects on a male and female.  The mother-daughter relationship is typically a primary source of safety, mimic, and nurturing; when this bond is broken, it can result in promiscuity, anxiety, and depression. Maternal abuse and neglect can have devastating effects on girls, shaping their development and future in profound ways.

Mother-son relationships are often regarded as the foundation for a child’s emotional and psychological development. A negative maternal relationship dynamic shows up slightly different in men. Sons may struggle with forming stable romantic relationships, experience ongoing mental health challenges usually with an underlined violent component.

An abused woman versus man may show up differently in society but, they both need the same thing, an understanding support system. They need people in their lives they don't say things like, "you have to forgive and forget, or "that's your mother, you only get one". To establish a path of healing, maltreated children need to have safe spaces to express themselves, which is probably something they never had in their youth.

Let’s do what we do every mother’s day and honor the women who nurtured, protected, and sacrificed for the children they brought into the world, and those who have raised children that they did not birth. This year I am giving grace and space to those who were not raised, barely raised, or horribly raised by those they call mother, especially those that healed themselves and became great parents.